Star Log.EM: InsaneCorp’s Sinisterly Superb Cybernetics (SFRPG)

This installment of the Star Log.EM series clocks in at 7 pages, 1 page front cover, 1 page editorial, 2 pages of SRD, leaving us with 3 pages of content, so let’s take a look!

*sound of static, white noise, a screech as if a thousand blades scarping on metal as space and time tear*

Check, check. Is this guy on? Huh, didn’t think that’d actually work. Guess he wasn’t kidding with all his stupid review-robot jokes. Where was I?

Oh yes! Greetings Hoomanz of the backwater planet Earth! This is none other than Doctor Malifaord Hudson Insano speaking, president of the  glorious conglomerate InsaneCorp Industries, situated in the Xa-Osoro system! It has come to my attention that you all have started playing this charmingly-primitive pen and paper game called “Starsearcher” or somesuch, and that due to a mishap in one of our psychic relay stations, a cadre of authors has been receiving transmissions of our Star Log-encyclopedia – and that these are peddled to the masses to much joy! I guess you won’t have the tech to properly steal my inventions for another couple of centuries, so please excuse me while I hijack this reviewer-git and tell you about some of our fabulous products! They have really made a dent in the Xa-Osoro system’s markets. No, really. Literally. A few have had a couple of malfunctions and created some serious dents in the forcefields, but that shouldn’t concern you! The good news is that you won’t have to sign the 470 legal documents required for our products, you can just marvel at my genius from afar and use it for your games! Awesome, right?

Ähem, so…how do I put this in words that a primitive backwater species understands. Just a moment, need to read up on this tome of a book you use.

…

Okay, so the first product I’d like to introduce to you, would be the android frame adaptor, which comes in 4 versions, ranging in item levels from 1 – 12. As the name implies, you can only install this one, if you’re an android. Hmm, wonder if the reviewer-git I psychically bio-hacked would qualify? Ah now, you need an unoccupied armor upgrade slot. Damn. What does he have there? Oh, interesting. Anyhow, mk I nets you the chosen race’s subtype and a +4 racial bonus to Disguise your android nature as the race in question. You use the lower bonus HP between 4 and the race emulated, and movement speeds are replaced with those gained from racial traits. So yeah, you’re just one tiny surgery away from swimming with the star dolphins or singing “I believe I can fly” – and the latter would actually be true. Mk II lets you reassign ability scores from the chosen race, using them instead of the android’s; Mk III nets you a racial trait like the ysoki’s charming cheek pouches and Mk IV lets you choose Large races as well. You, as well, can become, how did that fable put it “become a real boy.” Did I use that correctly? Pardon, I’m not that well-versed in your obscure mythology.

But perhaps you tend to be a bit challenged in the valor-department. Your nerves get you down? Fret not, for we can install our patented blood chiller in your circulatory system. Oh, wait. You’d have to be a vesk. Wrong planet, sorry. But hey, perhaps your character’s one? Well, if you are, you can, whenever you’re targeted by a fear effect, spend 1 Resolve Point to get heroism  instead of the fear effect’s conditions. After that, you may be a bit exhausted…oh, one thing: Don’t overdue it. It kinda is a bit detrimental to your health if you overuse this one.

Are you tired of typing and using boring, old interface devices? No longer – with the new cybernetic interface hand, you can hack computers simply by touching them! Counting as a hacking kit and a personal comm unit, this’ll save you at least half the time with your Computers operations. Okay, it may be a bit harder, but yeah. The tier of the augmentation’s computer is equal to the model, fyi. If you’re a mechanic with a custom rig, you can even tweak this one and replace the personal comm. unit with the custom rig, provided the augmentation’s item level is high enough. Suffice to say, tinkering with our responsible and totally stable products voids the warranty. You’d have a totally of 700 xatrib-days warranty. How long that is in earth time? Öhm, well…about 17.543 seconds. Never mind the numbers, that is just confusing.

Take a look at the extend arms! You can extend them! Yeah, I know, right? Awesome. Okay, you do pay with a penalty to attacks and Dexterity and Strength-based checks while they’re extended…but that is a system-immanent issue. You can extend or retract them as a move action in your game, fyi, and you can drag yourself around in a fly-ish way, provided you have stuff to hold on to. You’re not convinced? Well, you may want to look into my hypnotic retinas! Yep, sign here, here, and here. There you go! Fascinating, right? This effect is btw. the one command  you get per fascination, and the duration is contingency on your Diplomacy. You can only affect a target once per 24 hours, but the target will retain no memories of this. So yeah, you’ll forget having signed this in 3, 2, 1.

Where was I? You seem to have spaced out (haha!) there for a second, friend! You could install a nanofiltering mouthgard to keep those pesky allergens and toxins of your primitive combustion engines out. My research also shows that half of your species is obsessed with enhancing your tails! I’ve got you covered! With the neurosynth tail enhancer, you can use your tail to manipulate objects, and if you already have a prehensile tail, you’ll be BETTER at it and may even use it to perform maneuvers in conflict! I’ve got one more for you before the broadcast’s battery will make my connection to this reviewer-git’s brain timeout: Ysokii Launch-pouches! They are installed in cheek pouches (which you really should have – they’re ALL the fashion right now!), and allows you to become the life of the party! Make an explosive impact! You get a miniaturized grenade launcher that fires grenades you can store in your pouches! Yeah, just picture spitting grenades at that bastard that dared to bring pecan pie to your luau! 😀 And yeah, having a grenade launcher in your face is totally safe! But right now – just look at the tables that lists all those fine augmentations for your convenience!

Conclusion:

So, I dictated these items to Alexander Augunas, and he managed to get formatting and editing and the like done in a professional and precise matter. Layout adheres to the 2-column full-colored standard, and the pdf sports and interesting attempt of depicting me; Jacob Blackmon did a good job there. Our conversation was brief and confidential, so no need for bookmarks.

Before I leave this reviewer’s brain, let me just state that we’ll talk again soon – we also have weaponry, you know? I am an entity of the utmost integrity, so I’ll let the reviewer’s final verdict of 5 stars + seal of approval stand without question. Pleasure talking to you, Hoomanz! We’ll talk again soon. That paper? Never mind…

*strange, screeching sound*

Huh. I seem to have written a review, but it’s all blurry when I look at it; can’t seem to read it. Oh well, something tells me all’s well and that this is a great offering indeed!

You can get this cool array of augmentations here on OBS!

Endzeitgeist out.

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